Sunday, December 18, 2011

What do you say to them?

A note to begin: I am not a paid therapist, nor am I a suicide prevention counselor. This post was written to share my own experience, strength, and hope--and what worked for me. If you or someone you love is depressed and considering suicide, there are places to help. Start here--the Trevor Project

A few weeks back, a friend reached out to me after hearing of yet another LGBT suicide attempt.

She wrote, “When I read about these suicides and attempts, my heart breaks. I’m at a loss of how to feel and what to think. Reading some of the things you’ve written has already helped me with discussions with my own children and I want us all to understand how to help LGBT kids—who simply want to be loved and recognized as being just the way their Father made them.

If you had the chance to spend time with a kid like the one who died—and I know you do talk to them—what do you say to them?” 

I understand the pain and the feeling of aloneness that drives individuals to want to end their suffering. I’ve walked through my own desperate moments, and shared those close calls openly in some of my interviews.

In my darkest moments, aloneness suffocated me like a heavy blanket. I felt spiritually weary, exhausted from trying to figure out where I fit in, weary of asking others for their help and their understanding, because there really was little to offer—regardless of where I seemed to turn.

I, too, have been at my breaking point: Faced with my own Sophie’s Choice. Do I choose to deny my sexual orientation—how my Father made me—and thereby give up any opportunity to have a loving intimate relationship with someone who loves me for who I really am? And, at the same time, be surrounded by my brothers and sisters in the gospel who have that opportunity—and see their relationships every week, or perhaps even every day—a constant reminder that my sentence is to grow old and leave this world alone?

Or do I walk away from a faith that I love so deeply—and perhaps my eternal family as well—and leave behind not just the religion I called home, but the people I called home as well? Do I leave the home where I found my Savior?

Which do I choose?

How do I choose?

Which path do I select when either choice will split my soul in two, and leave me with only half a life?

For me, the glimmer of hope was this simple realization:  I own my relationship with my Savior. No one, regardless of degree, wealth, or title, has the ability to build, strengthen or deny me that relationship. It is mine for the taking—and my Savior stands ready to meet me where I am. All I need to do is reach out.

For those who feel suffocated by that same blanket of aloneness and despair, I say this.

Don’t allow others to dictate your worth in the eyes of your Father. They cannot. And they should not. You are exactly who you're supposed to be, and you are exactly where you're supposed to be. Your Father loves you just the way you are.

I think LGBT Mormons and those who love us are kind of modern-day pioneers. Being a pioneer is hard work—it’s arduous, painful, and fraught with arrows, traps, and sometimes tragedy. But wrapped inside these difficulties is an amazing gift, if we so choose to see it—and that is the opportunity to build a better world for those who follow in our wake. We need one another, and our Savior needs us. There is not a single one of us who has the luxury of giving others enough power over us to make us give up the fight—independent of who that person is, or how powerful their voice may sound in our head.

When people have a problem with you being gay, it's nothing more than that: their problem. Don't make it your own. You have a choice where to focus your mental and spiritual time and energy. Don't waste it on those who don't—or won't—understand you. I am living proof that there's not only a home for you within our faith, but there is a *path* for you. We don't know all the answers and maybe never will in this existence--but we do know one. And that is that you're loved, that you're valuable, and that you're needed--just the way you are. 

It takes a strong spirit to be gay in this life. It takes a remarkable one to be a gay Mormon. Never doubt for a moment you are anything less than remarkable. For that is how I view you--and most certainly how our Father in Heaven does.


Want to learn more about helping LGBT youth stay safe?
The Family Acceptance Project has created a guidebook for caregivers, parents, clergy, and friends of LGBT youth. This book describes specific actions you can take today that are scientifically proven to reduce drug and alcohol use and abuse, STI risk, and reduce depression and suicide risk.

Download “Supportive Families, Healthy Children,” and learn what you can do as a friend, ally, parent or spiritual leader to help keep our youth safe.

12 comments:

  1. I respect your faith Mitch. I really do. It feels though like you are promising that if someone is in despair all they have to do is reach out to the God, or the Savior. Guess, what there is not always a response. I think setting people up with the idea that when they are in those deep dark moments of despair they will get what they need from God is wrong and potentially even more harmful to them.

    I think good practical advice like reaching out to other flesh and blood people that they can call on the phone is much more practical and likely to save a life.

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  2. Thanks for posting this beautiful and important message. So many people will find comfort in realizing that we don't need to choose between our loved ones and our faith community. Keep up the good work Mitch. You are an inspiration to so many.

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  3. Yes, Sulli--you're right. This should be on here as well--The Trevor Project. I am not a counselor, but simply offering my own experience, strength, and hope. I don't speak for any organization, but only for what worked for me.

    For those who need that lifeline, here is a link to the Trevor Project.

    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

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  4. I had the same experience you did, Mitch. When I was weary and in the depth of alone-ness, thinking my only choice was to end my life because I could not reconcile being gay and being LDS, the Savior and Heaven stopped me and told me it was not necessary to kill myself, that it was OK I am gay, and that They loved me. I am so grateful for that life-altering moment.

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  5. Mitch, I have been in the mental health field for over 15 years and as a licensed therapist, I didn't hear anything in your post that would suggest "all they have to do is reach out to the God". I know you support professional mental health support because you and I have had many discussions. What you are also saying, and mental health therapists would agree with you, is that having a postive support system is absolutely essential. You and so many others are providing that for those who feel so alone. You also are dispelling myths that LGBTQ individuals are not spiritual. I have found this to be deeply untrue. You are an excellent example of a gay man who has claimed a deep and personal relationship with God. The research shows that spirituality is a foundational principle in mental health recovery. As I am sure you know, you will continue to receive criticism for being an openly gay man, a Mormon, and a spiritual person. Keep doing what you're doing Mitch. You've blessed many many people's lives including my own.

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  6. I think that often God speaks to us through other people. For example, reading Mitch's words ring true to me, and perhaps in that way, God is speaking, helping me to understand. Thanks, Mitch, for helping all of us to broaden our perspectives.

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  7. I'm glad you added that disclaimer at the top and the link. Thank you.

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  8. Wow, I am so impressed by your insights. A few years back, I went to Michigan as a participant in a show called 30 days. I was put in situations every day that challenged the way I thought, and made me feel very uncomfortable. I am an adopted person, I have adopted kids, I am actively LDS and married for 22 years. I was placed in a home of two gay men and 4 adopted boys. My big argument that they never really aired was that we are all put on a map with a certain level of sexuality - like a big rainbow... some are way into guys, some way into girls, some both and every other point inbetween. How we live our lives is a choice - and they tried to get me on this - I never said being gay is a choice... it isn't. Neither is it a choice for me to be heterosexual. I just am. Ijust know in my heart that we each have our different crosses to bear and we have to figure out how to bear them. You have your daily struggles, and I have mine... YOu clarify so well... thank you! I finally see a person who really gets it... I wish 30 Days could have interviewed you!

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  9. Wow, I am so impressed by your insights. A few years back, I went to Michigan as a participant in a show called 30 days. I was put in situations every day that challenged the way I thought, and made me feel very uncomfortable. I am an adopted person, I have adopted kids, I am actively LDS and married for 22 years. I was placed in a home of two gay men and 4 adopted boys. My big argument that they never really aired was that we are all put on a map with a certain level of sexuality - like a big rainbow... some are way into guys, some way into girls, some both and every other point inbetween. How we live our lives is a choice - and they tried to get me on this - I never said being gay is a choice... it isn't. Neither is it a choice for me to be heterosexual. I just am. Ijust know in my heart that we each have our different crosses to bear and we have to figure out how to bear them. You have your daily struggles, and I have mine... YOu clarify so well... thank you! I finally see a person who really gets it... I wish 30 Days could have interviewed you!

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  10. Another great article Mitch. We all have our own trials in this life but for whatever they are it is literally life saving to turn to them over to Christ and allow Him the chance to save us. Only He knows how to reach us and fill those dark places with light and those of us who have done this understand how it works.

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  11. The catalyst for my coming out at work was an article I read in a gay magaznine about a young gay man that killed himself despite being surrounded by people that loved him and would have accepted him just the way he was. That's what his mother said, his gay brother (yes, gay brother) and his large group of friends, all who suspected he was gay and all who were waiting for him to come out.

    This article upset me greatly but none of my friends seem to share in my angst. Then one friend took pity on me and said "If only he had hung in there long enough to come out and venture into the gay community then he would have found more support then he would have ever needed".

    When my friend said that, I knew why the boy killed himself. Our silence. His mother's silence. His gay brothers silence. His friends silence. The gay community's silence. And because I am part of the gay community, my silence.

    I was already out to family and friends but the next day I start coming out at work, school and even my neighborhood. I even blogged about my coming out experience at work.

    There was some risk involved. It took a leap of faith on my part to do what I did. But everyone time I got scared what kept me going was knowing that whatever happened to me couldn't compare to what the boy had gone through.

    The truth is all my fears were unfounded. I'm not saying that would be everybody's experience but it was mine.

    And the person that benefited most from my coming out was me in some different ways and at so many levels.

    The irony is that I had no idea had big a price I was paying for staying in the closet until I came out of the closet - and - the price was different for every area of my life I came out in -and- the similar at the same time.

    Regards,
    Philip

    What would save the kids from killing themselves is to know there are other in their lives just like them and that add their voices to counter the negative voices that honestly need to be relegated to the closet.

    Regards,
    Philip

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  12. Phillip, love your story. Thanks for sharing, my friend.

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