Monday, April 11, 2016

On His Blindness (LGBT Edition)


In March of 2016, Bishop Don Fletcher (the former bishop of the Bay Ward here in San Francisco, and the bishop who called me to serve as his executive secretary) delivered a talk at a Fireside here in the Bay Area.


The Fireside is part of an ongoing initiative by a group called The Hearth, which sponsors and hosts events that build and strengthen an LGBT-inclusive LDS community. I’m blessed to be part of a community of fellow Latter-day Saints involved in The Hearth, and blessed to know someone like Bishop Fletcher. 

Over the course of the past several years as I’ve worked deeply in the Mormon community on the LGBT topic, I’ve had the chance to meet what I think might be the absolute best humans to walk the planet. In fact, I secretly suspect they might actually be angels in disguise—the depth of kindness, the compassion, and the willingness to do what is right despite the consequences are among just a few of the qualities these folks possess.

Bishop Don Fletcher is among the best of them.  I hope you enjoy his words from the Fireside as much as I did. 




___________________________________________________________________
On His Blindness
by  John Milton

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodg'd with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies: "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait.

Bishop Don Fletcher and his wonderful wife Terri.
In seventh grade, my English teacher gave our class the assignment to memorize John’s Milton’s sonnet “On His Blindness”.  Amazingly I still remember it verbatim, now some 48 years later.  Though I still have it memorized, I am certain that I don’t fully understand it.  

If I recall the situation correctly, in about the year 1650, Milton had lost his sight and wrote this poem about aspects of patience with his visual impairment which profoundly impacted his talent of writing.  Interestingly, in seventh grade, I did not have any idea that I would not only become an ophthalmologist, but that I would also specialize in rehabilitation of the blind and visually impaired. 

At this point in my professional career, I have personally cared for over 25,000 visually impaired patients.  My comments today are going to merge my professional path with my spiritual path, and touch on blindness issues as they relate to the LGBT community.

I’ll start by admitting that I was actually “blind” myself, until I was over the age of 50, when my brother came out to me as gay. While my physical vision was perfectly fine, I was spiritually blind to and ignorant of the issues and challenges LGBT individuals face.  

Like the healed blind man in John 9:25, I can now say that through gifts of the Savior – “one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.”  I owe a great debt of gratitude to my brother Bob and my good friend Mitch Mayne and the Lord for opening my eyes.

A few years ago, my brother contacted me and asked to meet. Bob and I had always been close, so it didn’t really come as a surprise when he made the request. But something unusual happened to me before that meeting. While I don’t want to pretend to be in the same class as Joseph of Egypt, I had a dream in which I had a vision that Bob was gay.  

By the time the meeting took place, I was pretty certain what the topic was going to be—and I was correct. While the dream was helpful in terms of giving me revelation, it did something else that might even be more important. By sharing the vision with Bob, he said, it made the whole coming out process easier for him. Coming out is never easy—and it’s certainly not easy when you’re a married man with a history of 50 years of living in the closet. But that dream gave Bob an extra boost of courage that enabled him to finally be his authentic self with me, and eventually with the rest of our family. The revelation made it clear to Bob—and to me—that there was indeed a grander hand behind all of this. That hand opened the doorway, and Bob—an authentic Bob—stepped through to the other side. 

While I am glad that I could be there for my brother, I am also profoundly grateful for what that dream did for me.  The Lord provided that dream for me as a tender mercy, to smooth the process for receiving the loving gifts of insight that my brother would open to my understanding.

My brother Bob and Mitch Mayne have shared many great insights with me over the years – Bob as a family member and Mitch as my executive secretary when I was bishop of the San Francisco Bay ward.  I estimate that the wonderful Bay ward may have a larger gay membership than any other ward on the planet.  While laboring in San Francisco, I would occasionally become impatient with straight “gay unfriendly” people.  I had to be gently reminded to give them a break, that there was often little malice behind their opinions, but instead blindness—not unlike my own.

We find ourselves now at another extremely difficult period of time for LGBT members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Much of the great work we did with reactivation of LGBT members in the Bay ward would now be much more difficult. 

But, the lens through which I would examine today’s circumstances is perfectly expressed by Sonny in the wonderful movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: “Everything will be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.”  With all my heart, I believe that applies to our situation in the church today—it is not the end.

When we began our outreach in the San Francisco Bay Ward, one of the mantras we adopted was a quote by Elder Jeffrey Holland, and one that is still true today:

“… some members exclude from their circle of fellowship those who are different. When our actions or words discourage someone from taking full advantage of Church membership, we fail them—and the Lord.”   (October 2007)  

Since I’m not as eloquent as Elder Holland, I paraphrased his words to come up with a common mantra of my own—and one that guided the work we did with the ward. That mantra was, “I don’t care whether you are straight or gay, or whether you have stripes or spots—you are welcome in our ward.” 

With Mitch’s help, I composed a quarterly hard-copy letter to every member on the ward records(including those who were less active) and personally signed each and every one. In that first letter, one of the things I wrote was this:

“In my tenure as a bishop and in the stake presidency, I’ve noted many reasons members hold back from their faith.  Some of them include:
  • Those who were offended by a crusty member or insensitive remarks
  • Those who are uncomfortable paying tithing, for whatever reason
  • Those who are gay or lesbian and struggle to understand how they fit within the faith
  • Those who grapple with the Word of Wisdom or other compulsions


None of those reasons - or any other - should keep you away from the faith you once called ‘home.’  Please come back.  We have a wonderful ward full of diversity – you are welcome too.   You will be valued here and welcomed as part of our ward family.  We meet in the chapel at Pacific and Gough at 9:00 a.m. on Sundays.”

I had the opportunity to personally meet with dozens of LGBT members (and straight members) who had become inactive for a variety of reasons. Many of them told me that upon opening the letter, they were skeptical—yet they kept it, and it laid on their desk or counter for several months. They would pick it up, reread it, ponder it—and often summoned the courage to give me or Mitch a call.

Several times I was asked, “Is this for real?  Do you really mean what you wrote? Am I really welcome at church?”  I was always enthusiastic when I responded in the affirmative—but inside, I quietly found it most distressing that so many LGBT members expressed surprise to learn that they were welcome to participate in the ward.

One memorable story involved a returned missionary who had not attended church in many, many years.  His was a frequently heard scenario.  He assumed that serving a mission as a 19-year-old would “cure” him of his gayness.   It didn’t. 

So, San Francisco became home and he found and committed to a wonderful partner with whom he
had shared a close relationship for over 20 years.  As he started to attend our church meetings he felt something very warm, wonderful and familiar return to his life.  His non-member partner noticed that he was significantly happier and more satisfied with life, as well. 

Liking what he saw in his partner, the non-member of the couple inquired if it would be okay if he attended also.  I enthusiastically agreed, and he was a great addition to our weekly meetings. He ended up taking the discussions, reading the Book of Mormon and gaining a testimony that it was true.  We really should not be surprised – the Book of Mormon is true. This couple moved across the bay, and they now attend another ward that welcomes and supports them.

One of the things I like best about holding the priesthood is the opportunity to use it a service to others through giving them blessings. As a bishop, I was very generous in my use of priesthood blessings. I always offered to give a blessing to all gay members (and non-members). 

I laid my hands on the heads of many wonderful men and women, and the situations were all remarkably consistent.   My first impression, without exception, was that I needed to tell this individual of the Lord’s love for them, right now, exactly as they were.  Every one of us needs to know that, but especially those who are LGBT often feel unlovable. 

As a doctor, I have seen blindness, ill health, and death.  I have done volunteer work in Asia and in Africa and in many impoverished areas where I have seen much suffering.  But perhaps the greatest human tragedy, with as great suffering as any I have seen, is in those who don’t feel they are capable of being loved by the Savior just as they are.

Many LGBT ward members and many disconnected straight ally members returned to active participation while we ministered in San Francisco.  I now live in Wichita but Mitch and I continue to have much passion for ministering to those who don’t feel the love of the Lord in their lives. And while the formal ministry of our work in the Bay Ward might, for now, be on hold, each of us continues to feel the call of our Savior to do the work necessary to help our fellows see His hand in their lives, and feel His love.

Carol Lynn Peason
One of the people who I most respect on this planet is Carol Lynn Pearson.  She was asked to write a song for the children’s hymnbook dealing with disabilities.  She has told me that, although a child in a wheelchair is pictured in the primary song book, she has always seen this as applicable to our members who are LGBT, as well.

If you don’t walk as most people do,
Some people walk away from you,
But I won’t! I won’t!
If you don’t talk as most people do,
Some people talk and laugh at you,
But I won’t! I won’t!
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.
Jesus walked away from none.
He gave his love to ev’ryone.
So I will! I will!
Jesus blessed all he could see,
Then turned and said, “Come, follow me.”
And I will! I will!
I will! I will!
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.
(Children’s Songbook #140)

That song proposes an easy doctrine for this group of people I am addressing tonight, but there is perhaps a more difficult twist for us now.  But even with the offenses of “visually impaired” Latter-day Saint mortals, please do not feel tempted to walk away from the Savior’s Church. In spite of what is said to us and around us, we need to remember that this church is His. 

Now, more than ever, we need His love and support—and He needs ours.  One way that we can show our love for the Savior is by being long-suffering and patient with other members of His Church.

I love the Lord Jesus Christ, and I know that He loves me.  The doctrine of His Church that is rock solid in my heart, and the cornerstone of that doctrine is His unconditional love for each of us.  And while I am mortal too, and I can allow myself to get frustrated with how mortals fail to express and demonstrate His love, in my heart I still know that His love for each of us is universal, and we are infinitely valuable in His eyes.

When I get impatient and feel inclined to question, I think back to my days serving as a missionary in England.  In addition to Milton, another passage I had memorized verbatim was Joseph Smith’s rendition of the first vision. 

In presenting the first discussion, I would retell it in the first person, with much feeling.  Every time I told that story, I would feel the Holy Ghost bear witness that it really happened as Joseph Smith described.  I have no question that it did.  He was a prophet, and the God of Heaven used him to restore His church to the earth. 

One of the things I like best about the Joseph Smith story is learning that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father knew Joseph Smith personally, and called him by name.  Likewise, they know each of our names and love and care for us personally.  That is true, and as frustrated as I get at times, I cannot deny it. 
Like me, most members have a testimony of the first vision. At the same time, it feels like many good people lack a vision of the place of LGBT individuals in the Lord’s church. 

So, what are we to do?

Here, I will make another movie reference.  I am a Rocky Balboa fan.  In one of the sequels, the aging boxer Rocky gives advice to the son he dearly loves.  His son is having difficulty getting his life together and he blames his father’s shadow for his problems. 

To that, Rocky says:
“Let me tell you something you already know.  The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.  It is a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.  You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.  It’s how much you can take, and keep moving forward.  That’s how winning is done.

Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what your worth.  But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not point fingers and blame other people.  Cowards do that and that ain’t you.  You’re better than that!

I am always going to love you, no matter what happens.”

This has tremendous relevance to our discussion today.  In fact, I think there are a lot of similarities between the LGBT community and prize fighters.  Both are groups of people that get knocked down a lot.

In all of the things Rocky said, of especial significance is this line:

“If you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what your worth.”

That is where we have the most critical need in our LGBT ministering.  We need to help all internalize the label of “child of God” and “loved of the Savior” - that each of us has great worth.

A critical factor in self-worth is the labels we allow to be attached to us.  As a physician, labelling is also a critical factor in my professional life. And, I have learned that labels have a lot to do with whether or not my patients are successful in low vision rehabilitation. Let me tell you what I mean.

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) coined a term almost a century ago that has been a great disservice to my field as an eye doctor.  It is the label “legal blindness.”  If you cannot see a certain size letter on the letter chart (20/200) you are labeled “legally blind.” 

But people who cannot see below the 20/200 size letter generally still have a good deal of remaining vision—they just need some magnification.  With the right devices and training they can read the newspaper, cross the street, cook dinner and answer emails on their computers.  In many cases, they live life just as normally as their perfectly-visioned counterparts.

I would contend that more people are blinded by that inaccurate definition than any eye disease known to man.  Labelling these people as legally blind is as preposterous as labeling someone who is sick and in the hospital, “legally dead.”

In spite of timely and competent eye care, many people in America lose vision with conditions like macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy.  Here is the common scenario:

First, the patient loses vision, are told that there is no treatment to restore it and that, by definition, they are now labeled legally blind. Goodbye and good luck.

Then that patient finds their way to my office.  By this time, they have internalized many negative labels applied by trusted doctors and don’t believe there is any hope that I can help them.  Before I start the medical rehabilitation process, I often have to rehabilitate their self-perception to a degree, and in turn instill in them a little hope. In most cases, they are in fact capable of living independent, productive and happy lives—but the way they label themselves must change before that can happen.

So it was when I was bishop in the Bay ward.  Helping rehabilitate people’s self-perception was often the first order of business as I met with LGBT members.  I had to change negative labels into positive ones. Those included reminding them:

You are a loved child of God. 
You are loved of God the way you are right now.
You are welcome in the Lord’s church the way you are right now. 
You are a good person. 
You have great potential to do good and be good in this life. 
You are here on earth now by design and it is no accident that you are the way you are. 
You are not alone. 
You can become better and the Lord wants to help you to be your best.

Disciplinary councils are also the source of many negative labels.  I have been a bishop in three different states, and I have served as a counselor in a stake presidency.  Consequently, I have had lots of experience disciplinary counsels and those interested in repentance and utilizing the atonement in their lives. 

If it were up to me, I’d rename the whole process. Instead of, “Disciplinary Council” I would call it, “Proceedings for Atonement Application.”  People that are “Disfellowshipped” need anything but less fellowship. So I propose we change that label to, “Hyperfellowship Candidates,” where they would be included first in every activity and invited into the homes of their fellow members. 

“Excommunication” is also a potently negative word.  Microsoft Word gives me these synonyms for excommunication:  excluded, barred, ejected, removed, expelled, thrown out.  That’s not a great list of positive labels.  Here, I would solicit your input—I would love to hear your ideas. So far on my short list, I have “Reinvestigators” or “Lamb in Need of Lots of Love.”

I feel strongly that the Lord would have us as individuals and as a church do much better than we have at blessing the lives of the at least 500,000 members of His church that are gay (using an exceedingly conservative 3% epidemiological estimation).  We can do so much more to relieve suffering with the truth of the Lord’s love for us.

So as I close tonight, let me summarize with a list of things I hope you walk away with.
Let me summarize what I think is important:
  1. Beware of Labels – avoid negative, embrace positive.
  2. The most certain and positive label that can be applied to any of us is “a loved child of God.”
  3. Get up when you’re knocked down.  You are not beaten unless you give up.  It is a long fight but with the Lord in your corner, you will win.
  4. Everything will be alright in the end.
  5. Don’t walk away from the Savior.
  6. Challenge yourself by asking the question, “What can I personally do to relieve some of the suffering in this community?”


Let me close with a quote from our last general conference.  This is from Sister Neill Marriott.  Her talk was rich and powerful.  Listen to her closing sentence: 

“When we offer our broken heart to Jesus Christ, He accepts our offering. He takes us back. No matter what losses, wounds, and rejection we have suffered, His grace and healing are mightier than all. Truly yoked to the Savior, we can say with confidence, “It will all work out.”

There is much that the Lord would have us do.  Don’t jump ship.  Let the Spirit guide you as to how best to use your time, talents and resources in the service of the Lord Jesus Christ. To my mind, there is no greater cause that I want to be involved in than ministering to LGBT Mormons – and to give sight to those who aren’t able to see the truth of their own important place in the Lord’s eternal plan.

I bear testimony that He loves each and every one of us, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.



28 comments:

  1. This was truly beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. I appreciate all the effort and understanding you have offered to those who suffer so much with the ambiguity of their situation. I do not know why this suffering is part of their life experience, but I do know that if they will allow God to be in their life, they can be blessed and comforted. I had a Stake President in Texas who spoke of those with SSA and asked, "Can someone with SSA be a Bishop? Yes they can. Can someone with SSA be a Stake President? Yes they can!" Commitment to principles is never easy for anyone, but is possible for all.

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  3. Wow. Thank you for sharing. This made my week.

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  4. What do you say to your gay friends when they have jumped ship? When they are living the gay lifestyle, how do you help them feel comfortable at church?

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    1. That's the question this article failed to answer and perhaps the most important one

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    2. What does it mean to be openly gay active LDS? How do you define "active"?

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    3. I think we need to remember that ours is NOT the role of judge; ours is the role of friend. So all we need to do is LOVE them and let our Father in Heaven take care of the judgement part. We don't have to approve their choices but we do have to love them.

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  5. How do you counsel your gay friends when they have already 'jumped ship' and are living the gay lifestyle? How do you help them feel comfortable attending church?

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  6. Alternatives to "Excommunicated":
    Prospective Member
    Former Latter-Day Saint
    Second Baptism Candidate

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  7. Regarding "Excommunicated" (having been there) I would suggest "On Hold Member".

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  8. Gorgeous words! I feel such an incredibly deep love, passion and compassion for our LGBT members. I've spoken openly with my Bishops and Stake Presidents (and many friends) about that for many years now, especially in Temple Recommend interviews. I had my temple recommend withheld for a time - lovingly - and I came to understand why. Although brief, it helped me feel what it was like to love the Lord, yet feel held apart from him because of the deep love and affinity I feel for my LGBT brothers and sisters and their situation in the church. Yet I could not deny that love, nor it's depth and conviction. Thank you so much for what you are doing - and please let me know how I can help! I'm taking up your challenge and will be praying about just that.

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  9. We need so many more leaders like you in our Church. Thank you for these words.

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  10. Thank you for a well-written and uplifting talk. It brightened my day to hear your words of inclusion. I only wish these words would come from the First Presidency as salve to the GLBT community...clearly they're not on the same path.

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  11. Thank you for serving and sharing these important feelings with us.

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  12. Thank you for serving and sharing these important feelings with us.

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  13. So welcome to hear/read this remarkable/desperately needed challenge!
    Elizabeth

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  14. Possible to get a hard copy of the transcript?

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    1. Hi Michael- email me directly and I'll speak with Bishop Fletcher. mitchmayne@gmail.com

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  15. So much love in this...thanks for sharing.

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  16. This link below sums up why everyone should leave the church and stay out. Read it and be honest with yourselves. I am happier and more joyful now than I ever was in the church. By asking gay members back into the congregation, you are asking them to submit to excommunication. The new policy that came out last year is explicit on this and is another example of how the church has made it crystal clear that gay members are not welcome. The members are going against the spirit of this policy by inviting members back to church.

    http://cesletter.com

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    1. Matt Jarvis, I disagree with you. And whether you believe that the LDS Church is true or not, I don't feel that your comments (or the person who wrote the above mentioned "CES Letter") reflect the love of Christ. I believe in Christ and I believe that he loves YOU, me, and everyone else- regardless of sexual orientation, religion, or personal beliefs. My belief comes as a result of being raised in the LDS Church, and I believe that both Mitch and Bishop Fletcher have expressed through their words this same sentiment of love. If you don't feel love for those who hold opinions opposite of your own, perhaps that is the problem and not the church. Additionally, since you've linked the infamous "CES Letter," I'd like to include a counter-letter that I found, which allowed me to look at both sides. I know that there is a God and that he loves all His children. Christ is the Savior of the world and no matter what our stance is on LGBT rights or anything else, I trust that Him and my Heavenly Father will judge righteously in the end.

      https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7gOT4OKsqsyOFRnWGtSdGU2MUk/view

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    2. You read too much into my statements. I never felt unloved or unwanted. I am making a logical statement based on the policies of the church. It is inconsistent to invite gay members who are in loving same sex relationships back to church when there is clear policy that they can be excommunicated or disfellowshipped and that their children cannot attend as full members. The church ultimately would ask them to give up their loving relationship for celibacy. That is not a viable, long term option for most people. The children of gay Mormons are being punished for their someone else's "transgression." I too was raised in the church and was a powerfully devout member for nearly 22 years. When the time came to be honest about who I am, there was no logical way to reconcile being gay with being Mormon. They simply don't work together, especially with this new policy. The realization the church is not true came later. These people may have the best intentions and be acting out of love, but the church as an organization, through it policies and doctrines, is expressing anything but love toward the LGBT community.

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  17. While I agree with the sentiment of being inclusive to all people, judging none for the struggles they face and the success or failure they meet with those challenges, I don't understand how individuals who choose to actively embrace a homosexual lifestyle can find much happiness in the church regardless of how welcoming the members of any ward might be. Ultimately they are limited in their growth, development and ability to participate as members of the church. Missionaries cannot baptize actively homosexual individuals, they cannot hold the priesthood and they cannot enjoy temple blessings. All of the benefits will be by mere association with church members only. They cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and have the opportunity to make covenants. I feel their frustrations in this, I don't want to exclude anyone, but there's no getting around the doctrine. If actively homosexual individuals or couples can be happy just by coming to church every week or attending activities, but I do not see how they cannot eventually come to the realization that the lifestyle they are living is preventing them from going further. We can be welcoming and friendly to all people but I don't see how we can avoid watering down the doctrine or not hurt individuals by stating what it is we believe. I don't know why of all the struggles we could have, this one has become so prevalent. It causes a great deal damage to all of our relationships. I don't think enough has been reveal for most people to understand how to reconcile the inconsistencies that exist with this particular issue...I just don't know...

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  18. Everyone’s story and experience is unique and truly one solution does not resolve everyone’s situation. When I was a bishop, the unique nature of everyone’s situation became very obvious. To be honest, there were many times when I had to frankly tell my ward member – I don’t know – that is a question I simply do not have an answer to. But … I can assure you that the Lord is very interested in your life and He can give you direction about how to proceed. Everyone is loved by God and everyone can receive personal revelation on what to do with their life’s challenges.
    Some universal common themes that are applicable to most would include:
    • Prayer can work for everyone. You don’t have to qualify with some arbitrary level of righteousness to ask for direction. Answers can come to everyone. You won’t receive inspiration for my life and there are messages that the Lord will only send to your ears and heart also.
    • What is a correct course of action for someone else may not be for you.
    • At whatever stage we are at, everyone is blessed by being closer to the Savior. Spiritual nourishment helps with every problem. Doing the things that bring you closer to God will help you. Don’t turn your back on the being that gives the best gifts. Mortals can be flakey, but God is not.
    • Be patient with well-intentioned but misinformed associates. The human faces of LGBT individuals often melt irrational stereotypes.
    • Similarly, there are human faces within our straight brothers and sisters who are striving to understand—they need patience, as well.
    • Everyone here on earth has challenges and many people are in a very similar situation to you. You are not alone.
    • No experience in life is wasted.
    • Everything will be alright for you in the end.
    • I and many other people love you and want to be there for you. It isn’t easy, but you can have a great life and do everything that God wants you to do in mortality.
    Don Fletcher (author)

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    1. Thanks for your comments, Bishop Fletcher!

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  19. I hope to meet you some day. Mitch. I live just a few hours from SF. I found a podcast some months ago in which you and CLP were both guests after the church came out with it's controversial "apostasy" doctrine last year. I laid there in bed listening...and crying my eyes out. I'm so lost, so torn, trying so desperately to hold on to the last threads of connection that remain between me and the church. I often wonder if I hold on only out of respect for my beloved Patriarch father and angel mother, the loves of my life. They're in their final years in their late 80's and I honestly don't know what to do or where to go once they're gone. Thank you, Mitch for who you are.

    A grateful admirer in the shadow shadow

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    1. You are very kind, my friend. I'm grateful what I said resonated. If I can help, don't hesitate to email me directly. Always happy to chat by phone in lieu of in person as well! Blessings, my friend!

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