No More Strangers: LGBT Mormon Forum

A few weeks back, we launched No More Strangers—an online forum focused on LGBT issues inside the Mormon faith. The contributing authors to this blog are both well-known and informed emerging voices that help us understand more deeply the issues surrounding what it means to be a gay Mormon or an ally. 

Each of us is in different places in terms of our relationship with the LDS Church.  Some of us are active in the Church and fiercely committed to our testimony and to the Gospel. Some of us wrestle with doubt and/or faith. Some are firmly post-Mormon, though concerned about the state of affairs in LGBT Mormondom.  We bring with us expertise as teachers, scientists, writers, coaches, therapists, activists, theologians, and thinkers.

We seek to address a range of topics, in diverse voices and styles.  Some of us bring an edgier, more political perspective to the table.  Others rely on laughter to dispel demons. Some of us love digging into the scriptures and bringing theological reflection to real-life struggles.  Others bring a more devotional, more spiritually connected perspective.

We will reflect on the LGBT Mormon experience, but we will also examine larger questions in our Church and society from our unique perspectives, bringing our faith and our wrestling with issues related to sexuality and gender identity to our reflections on current events and the human condition. We hope to challenge ourselves and our readers.

And I think I love this part of our mission the best: Our one overarching commitment is that whatever we are or ever were to one another, the one thing we are no more and will never more be is strangers.

Some of the authors include:

·         Berta Marquez

·         Carol Lynn Pearson

·         John Dehlin

·         Erika Munson

·         John Gustav-Wrathall

·         Morris Thurston

·         Bob Rees

·         Bill Bradshaw

·         Hollie Hancock

·         Scott Holley

·         Tom and Wendy Montgomery

Bookmark the No More Strangers forum—and join us today.

A Shepherd of Israel

Eighteen months ago, I was called to serve closely with Bishop Don Fletcher in the Bay Ward here in San Francisco, as his executive secretary. In my Mormon career, I’ve had the great blessing to have had some amazing bishops, but this has been my first opportunity to really see a “bishop-in-action,” and be privy to some of the details of how an individual can manage this calling in a way that expands on it, grows the faith of those around him, and enables him to increase his own faith. It’s been a pretty remarkable experience.

Bishop Fletcher has been an outspoken ally of LGBT Mormons. In the past 18 months alone, he’s written a powerful op-ed supporting the evidence based research of The Family Acceptance Project advocating for a scientific approach to keeping our gay Mormon youth safe and healthy; he’s spoken in several LGBT Mormon forums and shared his own experience, strength, and hope; and was the primary driver of creating a welcoming congregation for everyone in our ward boundaries—gay, straight, or anywhere in between.

And while his mission to the LGBT community is clear, his message of inclusion extends beyond gay Mormons—and at its core, is a message for all Mormons who feel ‘on the outside looking in’ for whatever reason. At our first Ward Conference over a year ago, he stood in front of the ward and stake leadership teams and said, “Everyone who wishes to come participate in our family of faith is welcome here—every spot, stripe, and pattern our Father created. Everyone has a place inside this church—and our doors are open to all of them.”

His inclusive, optimistic outlook is difficult not to like—and difficult to not like being around. I do believe, too, that this kind of optimism and kindness is contagious. In that spirit, I want to take the opportunity to share some of the things I’ve learned from him over the past 18 months. And while this list is by no means comprehensive, my hope is that it stands as a small—yet incomplete—tribute to a man I not only admire, but also love very much.

It is quite possible to be well liked, and well respected.

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care,” is one of Bishop Fletcher’s philosophies. As an ophthalmologist, Bishop Fletcher often works with students to teach them what he calls ‘the art of medicine,’ meaning that his instruction includes the idea that it’s quite okay to endear yourself to people as you tell them things they need to hear—even if it’s unpleasant. The same, be believes, is true for him in his role as a Bishop: Even if you’re telling the truth, you never have license to be unkind.

Humility has nothing to do with humiliation.

One of my mantras for many years, I admire the way Bishop Fletcher puts this into action. “An old stand-by in medicine,” he told me, “is instruction through intimidation and embarrassment. That model doesn’t work for me in my career, nor in my calling. My role as a Bishop is not about shaming—it is to uplift and edify. You can’t accomplish that if you shame your fellows.”

This gives everyone the freedom to speak their truth without fear of retribution, and helps make our congregation a genuinely safe space for all our brothers and sisters.

There is no place for gossip in a healthy community of Saints.

“Words can harm, or words can heal,” he’s said to me, recounting the story of two patients with heart conditions—one who died in large part because he heard the wrong messages from people who matter.

Recognizing the power of words, Bishop Fletcher’s rules on this one are pretty simple: Before repeating anything, ask yourself:

1. Is it true?
2. Is it fair to all concerned?
3. Does telling it build up good will and friendship?
4. Will telling it be beneficial to all concerned?

If your answer is anything other than yes, then whatever you’re planning to say is likely best left unsaid.

Stand up for what you believe in.

Bishop Fletcher has created a ward environment where people are free to express their opinions and beliefs, even if they fall outside the norm of what we understand as Mormons. His caveat, however, is that there is a way to stand for yourself without standing against your fellows—another philosophy I support and try to live.

“Speak your own truth,” he advises, “But also understand it is not necessary to create an enemy when you do so. Tolerance,” he adds, “doesn’t mean I’m tolerant of only those who share my point of view.”

And I have seen him put this into action—he’s a master at disagreeing without being disagreeable in the process.

A Christ-centered life is more fulfilling than a rule-centered life.

“Rules matter,” Bishop Fletcher tells me, “But we don’t have to look too deeply into our Savior’s life to see that indeed, the rules are good—but building a life embedded into the spirit of the law goes so much further than one embedded into the letter of the law.”

His philosophy is similar to that of Joseph Smith—teach people correct principles, and they will effectively govern themselves. While it’s prudent to obey the rules, the rules alone aren’t enough. It’s far more prudent to understand the spirit in which they were meant.

And after all, if we get the first couple right—love our Savior, and love one another—the rest pretty much follow.

It’s okay to not be perfect. And it’s okay (and sometimes desirable) to say, “I don’t know.”

“President Hinckley was a man I greatly admired. One of the things I liked best about him is he wasn’t afraid to admit there were things he simply did not know, even in his position. If a prophet of the church can display such honest humility, how then, can I not follow his example?”

I think it’s safe to say Bishop Fletcher has a general disdain for pompous, self-righteous individuals who have a need to come off as knowing all the answers. Much more effective for him, he believes, is admitting the fact that he doesn’t know everything—and often enlisting the aid of those around him to help him figure things out.

“Often, we tend to fall into the very human desire to create an image of ourselves as someone who has all the answers,” he said. “But just because we’re called as bishops or leaders doesn’t mean our calling enables us to dispense all the answers. It is, after all, a sign of strength—not of weakness—to be honest, even if the answer is ‘I don’t know.”

Gratitude is critical—independent of where we are in life.

“As an eye doctor, many of the patients I see are keenly focused on the difficulties they face as a result of losing their sight. Often, they transfer this anger to God, another human, or the medical profession. With that, they are ripe to fall into a deep despair as a result of not being able to live their lives in the ways to which they’ve become accustomed.

“In each of these instances, I advise my patients to keep a Book of Abundance—where they record five good things that happen to them each day. The book is kept under their pillow, and I ask them to record their list at night before they sleep, so they can reflect on their day and close their day on an optimistic note. Moreover, if they know they have to record these five items before they sleep, their attention throughout the day will be guided to look for the hand of our Savior even in their current circumstance—and as a result, their perception of a more abundant life will flourish.”

Often a topic of our Bishopric meetings, gratitude is a quality Bishop Fletcher displays in all his affairs. Whenever a situation seems to take an unexpected turn for the worse, he can be counted on to find the silver lining.

“When I look for the blessings of my Savior, I find them. Conversely, when I look for the negative, that is also what I find. My life is much more peaceful and much sweeter when I make an active effort to guide my own perceptions.”

***

Bishop Fletcher isn’t perfect—like all of us, he has his share of human limitations. But what is remarkable, I think, is his willingness to admit that those do exist—and display a pretty good knowledge of what those limitations are. And with that, takes a huge step toward eroding their ability to impact his capacity as a human, a bishop, and as my friend.

Thank you, Bishop Fletcher. You are indeed a shepard of Israel. We need more like you.

Life lessons from Mom

I’ve shared pretty openly about my tumultuous history with my parents when I told them I was gay—my Mom, in particular. And while it was difficult at first, I witnessed a change in my Mom that was nothing short of remarkable. Over time, she made the transition from someone who wished I hadn’t been born at all (out of fear of how difficult my life would be), to a woman who not only loved me as her gay son—but advocated for and celebrated me. 

This past week I ran across the letter I wrote her as part of her memorial a few years ago. I want to share it here today because I think it stands as an example of how hearts can change—and delivers my very imperfect homage to one of the humans I loved most in this world.

Most of all, I hope there are a few Moms of gay Mormons out there who read this and realize the same thing my Mom did—if you allow it to be, having a gay child can be a blessing unlike any other. Often, parents of gay kids are given opportunities to develop Christlike unconditional love, compassion, and forgiveness that others are not offered. No, it is not an easy path—but if it is navigated with guidance from our Savior and His gospel, it can be one of the most rewarding any human can travel. 

Enjoy. 
___________________________________________________________
Dear Mom-

I know you’re aware how my heart groans today, how much losing you hurts me, and how unprepared I feel to continue on without you. But I want you to know how glad I am for your release from your struggles here.

Mom, you left me a soul stretching legacy. One of the most profound was passing to me your life long love of education. You inspired me to levels of achievement I could never have accomplished on my own. When we were small children, you set a goal for yourself to return to nursing school. How difficult this time must have been for you —two small children to raise, very little money, and in order to survive you needed to clean houses on the weekends and in the evenings. When you weren’t studying the rigorous nursing curriculum, you were in the home of a stranger, stooped over cleaning their floors —   to make a better life for yourself and your family. But you never complained. How proud I am of you for that.

When I was contemplating graduate school some years ago, I thought of many choices. You encouraged me to aim high, just like you did when you decided to return to school, and with that encouragement I chose Stanford University, certain that I would be rejected. How could they be interested in a poor kid from a small town in Idaho? But they accepted me. That accomplishment is not only my own, Mom—it is yours, as well. Without your example and encouragement, I would not have made it to that milestone in my life. 

When I left for school, I know it broke your heart. I saw it in your eyes. Your words and countenance projected a bravado I knew was false, but in order to make my departure easier you hid your sorrow. You knew that when I left, I would not return. You would not have your youngest son at home any longer…but you let me go, wished me well, and assured me that I could do this —   that I could reach this goal —   in spite of your  heart breaking as you watched me drive away in the moving van. Thank you for setting me free, mom, when I know it took all your strength to do so.

As my life and career took root in San Francisco, I turned to you often for counsel and advice. Often I would dismiss the wisdom you shared with me, but more often than not I would regret doing so. I talked to you almost every day, Mom. Sometimes I would call with nothing really to say—a commentary on the weather, or something else insignificant—but you always made time for me even when my conversations had to be less than interesting. I drew comfort knowing you were there—just simply, perfectly, there. 

When I told you I was gay, it created a rift in our relationship—but mercifully, that rift was temporary. Years later, when you came to not only understand what it meant to have a gay son—but also recognized it as a gift—you shared a story with me that I’ve never forgotten. 

“Years ago,” you said, “my best friend Adele discovered she had a brain tumor. Her initial diagnosis was dire—but also, fortunately inaccurate. When I heard about Adele’s choices for treatment, I felt that she should pursue specific avenues she’d ruled out. I grew increasingly impatient with her choices until I read an article in a medical journal written by someone I respect, suggesting the avenues I had been championing could do more harm than good.” 

“That’s when I realized the limits of my own understanding. Not just when it came to Adele, but when it came to you, as my gay son. In both cases, my sense of urgency to push you both into care that could harm you stemmed not from certainty, but from fear. I learned that my only honest course of action was to turn my fear, my love, and each of you over to the care of your Savior—and to love you both for who you were. I could no longer pretend to know what is best.”

“I’m not a genius, a philosopher, or a wizard. Even if I were all three, I’d still find myself looking off the edge of my own understanding into the vast unknown. And when I recognize my limitations, I am more grateful than ever for a Savior who is free from such restrictions."

"I’m sorry our road was rough. I’m sorry I didn’t always see what a wonderful blessing you are to me and to our family. Today, I am grateful to have you as my gay son—and I love you.” 

What I learned from you that day is that people can change their minds—and that often their hearts then follow. I learned that like you, as a human I don’t know what’s best for anyone, either. My only job is to stick close to my Savior, make the best decisions I can, and to allow others the dignity to do the same—and to love them just the way they are. Thank you for being an example to me again, Mom. 

Two weeks ago at Christmas was the last time we were all together as a family. As I drove you home Christmas night, you told me you didn’t want to me to come up with you to your place. But I needed to; I needed to help you carry your gifts upstairs. I dismissed your request and took you upstairs anyway. Inside your apartment, I turned to find you crying by the front door…tears flowed down your cheeks from behind the reading glasses that were too large for the frame of your tiny face. 

When I asked you why you were crying, you said it seemed extra hard to say goodbye to me this time, and it felt like it would be a long time before you got to see me again. I just grabbed you and hugged you, and I said, “Sssshhh…it’s okay. Don’t worry, Mama. Don’t cry--I’ll see you later.” You looked me in the eyes and said, “Okay…okay. If we can say, ‘I’ll see you later,’ I’ll be alright with that. But I won't say goodbye to you.” 

I hugged you again, kissed your forehead, wiped your tears, and walked away. That was the last time I saw you. Part of me regrets not staying and spending more time with you, but another part of me recognizes that it happened exactly as it should—that in the opportunity to tell you, “I’ll see you later,” our Savior was at work as well, reminding us that this isn’t really goodbye at all.  Our final moments together had our Savior’s fingerprints all over them. For that, I’m also grateful. 

You weren't perfect, Mom--but you were the perfect Mom for me. I know in this world, this phrase often carries a negative connotation. But Mom, I am, and always will be, a Mama’s boy. And I’m proud to be one. 

I won’t tell you good-bye, Mom. But I will close with this: “I love you mom. That will never change. And you can bet that I will, indeed, see you later.”

With much love, your gay son,
Mitch

The 6 Most Optimistic Gay Mormon Moments of 2012

A repost of my Huffington Post article that appeared in January of 2013. Worth a repeat!

____________________________________________________________

I’m a big believer in positive reinforcement. When I was in 6^th grade, my teacher talked me into signing up for the basketball team he coached. I was lousy—but he kept a patient eye on me, corrected me when I was wrong, and instilled in me both the belief that I could do better, and the desire to do so.

The next fall when I entered 7^th grade, I signed up for basketball once again—and just between us, I was still pretty lousy. But my new coach was a different breed than my former coach had been—and he had a completely different philosophy. Instead of encouraging me and reminding me what I’d done right, he derided me and criticized me in front of my fellow teammates. Eventually, shamed and humiliated, I left the team—and ultimately the game altogether.

In retrospect, both coaches taught me a valuable lesson: When you want someone to succeed and get it right, gently correcting and encouraging them is going to go a lot further than angry insults and humiliation.

Institutions—since they’re also made up of humans—tend to respond the same way we do as individuals. That’s why I think it’s important to recognize institutions, like the Mormon Church, when they take positive steps toward better understanding LGBT individuals both in and outside the faith.

As an openly gay, active Latter-day Saint serving as a priesthood leader in my local congregation as my authentic self—an openly gay man, I’m keenly interested in how my church understands LGBT inclusion and equality. Don’t get me wrong—I’m among the first to realize that we have a challenging road ahead of us—and have no problem pointing out areas where we’re still weak.

But I also know this is going to be a long game. So I’m borrowing a page from my 6^th grade basketball coach’s playbook, and giving praise for what I think are the most optimistic gay Mormon moments of 2012—in the hopes that my faith continues to move forward with Christ-like love and full inclusion of its LGBT members.

Because that’s where our Savior wants us to be.

1.      Straight Mormons form grass-roots LGBT ally and advocate groups.  

Mormons Building Bridges emerged onto the scene earlier this year, with a stated goal of conveying love and acceptance to LGBT individuals, both in and outside the faith. Throughout the year the group hosted and participated in a variety of activities to build those bridges—ranging from local community meetings, to partnering with Ogden OUTreach Center for a homeless gay youth placement program, and marching in Pride Parades across the country. 

Mormons for Marriage Equality actually went a step further, and actively coalesced Mormon and interfaith allies to actively campaign to support gay marriage initiatives in several states across the country this year—helping ensure a big win for LGBT marriage equality in 2012.

2.      Straight allies and LGBT Mormons march in over twenty Pride Parades across the globe—including Santiago, Chile.

You can get a sense of the magnitude of these events here. When I led the San Francisco Pride contingent, we were joined by some friends from NBC. Later that evening over dinner, one of the producers—who had little previous experience with Mormons—shared that this was among the most spiritual events she’d ever witnessed. The looks of shock from the onlookers as we marched behind a banner that said, “Mormons for Marriage Equality” were replaced with tears, hugs, and heartfelt “thank-you’s” from both sides. Healing has begun, and just maybe the ugliness of our involvement in Proposition 8 is beginning to mend.

3.      Family Acceptance Project releases LDS booklet that helps Mormon families and leaders understand how to respond to gay youth and young adults in ways that keep them safe and healthy.

It’s no secret that the suicide rate of LGBT Mormons is significantly higher than the national average, and for decades Mormon parents of gay youth have felt compelled to choose between their church and their children. But now we have evidence-based science blended with the best parts of the Mormon faith that helps parents realize they don’t have to choose, and gives them specific behavioral guidance that will help keep their families together, and help protect their children from significant health risks—including depression and suicide. Coauthored by a former Mormon bishop (and active member) and now being used by many congregations across the country, this is a big stride forward for the safety of LGBT Mormon youth.

4.      The Mormon Church launches a website talking about LGBT issues inside the faith.

The release of mormonsandgays.org was a big step for a conservative organization like the Mormon Church. And while it’s not perfect, wrapped inside some of the vignettes are glimpses of genuine understanding and Christ-like love. True, there are still some challenges here—such as the lack of any clear call to action or resources to help protect gay kids—but the Mormons may be among the only major conservative faiths to have a web resource for leaders and families. It’s a small step—but small steps matter. They add up.

5.      Senator Harry Ried (D-Nevada) comes out in support of gay marriage.

Reid, among the highest ranking Mormons in the U.S. government, evolved his position and came out in opposition to the Church’s official stand on gay marriage. "My personal belief is that marriage is between a man and a woman. But in a civil society, I believe that people should be able to marry whomever they want, and it's no business of mine if two men or two women want to get married," Reid said. And maybe the best part is that by taking a stand, Reid gave other Mormons permission to stand for the right thing, as well.

6.      LGBT and allied BYU students come out in support of their LGBT brothers and sisters in an “It Gets Better” video series.

Showing how attitudes are changing among young gay Mormons and how they understand themselves in relation to their faith—and demonstrating the support of their straight fellows—these first videos spurred additional participation by BYU students, and the videos themselves went viral across the planet and generated national media attention.  

***

There you have it—my top picks of the most optimistic gay Mormon moments of 2012.

This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list—and it certainly isn’t perfect. But given the Mormon faith’s painful history with the LGBT community, I think it’s a pretty good year when we can look back and come up with any reasons to be hopeful—let alone a half-dozen.

All this makes me wonder what would happen if we in the LGBT community were a bit more like my 6^th grade basketball coach, and the next time we ran into a Mormon we said something like, “Hey, thanks for showing up to march in Pride!” or “Nice job on the website—it’s important we start talking about these things.” Maybe we’d instill in the Mormon community what my coach instilled within me: The belief that we can do better, and the desire to do so.

Then maybe next year we’d have even more hopeful gay Mormon moments.  

Holiday giving at its best: Building a healthier LGBT Mormon youth

Most of us spend our holidays with our families—our siblings, parents, and extended relatives that we love, and who love us in return. Having just returned from Christmas with my own family, I’m reminded how blessed I am to have a family who loves me for who I am: an openly gay Mormon.

But many gay Mormons aren’t so lucky. Often, when a Mormon parent finds out their child is gay, they feel forced to choose between their child and their church. And when they look for resources to help understand and respond to their LGBT children, they’re directed to programs based on opinion, not on science—and this often has tragic consequences.

But now we have an alternative.

According to the impeccable research done by Dr. Caitlin Ryan of San Francisco State University’s Family Acceptance Project, LGBT young people whose parents reject them are: More than eight times as likely to attempt suicide, nearly six times as likely to report high levels of depression, more than three times as likely to use illegal drugs, and more than three times as likely to be at high risk for HIV and sexually transmitted diseases.

An LDS oriented version of the booklet that suggests ways families can insure a safer life for their LGBT children, co-authored by former bishop Robert Rees, can be downloaded here free of charge. You can also order copies of the booklet at cost here, or by emailing fap@sfsu.org.

The Family Acceptance Project materials are the only evidence-based guide to be designated as a “Best Practice” for suicide prevention for gay Mormons by the national Best Practices Registry for Suicide Prevention.

We need your help.

In addition to the booklet, The Family Acceptance Project is developing a series of evidence-based education and support materials for Mormon families with LGBT children. Your tax-deductible donation—whatever the size—will help ensure these materials get into the hands of the families who need them most.

When you donate today, you’ll be helping Mormon families understand there is a healthier way to support their LGBT children—and stay true to what we believe as Mormons—that families really are forever, and how we care for family members on earth affects our family for eternity.

"Dialogue" Podcast: Mormons and gays roundtable

On December 12, 2012, I had the honor of being part of a panel discussion podcast with three men I deeply admire: Dr. Bill Bradshaw, Dr. Bob Rees, and Morris Thurston. The focus of the discussion was the release of the new website from the LDS Church—www.mormonsandgays.org.

Drs. Bradshaw and Rees have both been featured on my blog and have worked for many years building significant understanding in the Mormon community about the LGBT issue. Similarly, Morris Thurston has done the same from the legal standpoint, publishing a paper during Prop 8 critiquing misleading legal arguments circulated by proponents of the initiative.

The four of us looked at the new website and discussed what helps, what hurts, and what we’d like to see moving forward.  For me, this was a deeply moving experience. I’ve long admired the work of these three kind and smart men, so to be included among the discussion was quite humbling.  I’m grateful for their work.

You can listen to the entire podcast here. Or cut and paste this URL directly into your browser.

https://www.dialoguejournal.com/2012/dialogue-podcast-4-mormonsandgays-org-roundtable/

Enjoy.

What's the best way to make LGBT Mormons feel welcome in your ward?

Ask Gay Mormon Guy: What's the best way to make LGBT Mormons feel welcome in my ward?

I’ve stolen a page out of my friend Joanna Brooks’ Ask Mormon Girl site for this one—with her permission, of course. I’ve gotten a lot of emails lately from allies looking to help LGBT Mormons, some of whom are active church members. And I think that’s terrific.

I also think how we go about offering our support and help to LGBT Mormons is keenly important. To that end, I’m sharing an email I got from one sister (anonymously—and also with her permission) since there seems to be a theme running through my email box lately.

Her email and my response are below. What other advice would you give her?

Dear Mitch-

There’s a 24 year-old returned missionary (RM) in my home ward. I really like him, and I guess he triggers my mothering instinct. I suspect he’s gay, and I would very much like it if my ward welcomed him for who he is. What do you think about me taking the Family Acceptance Project materials to my bishop, and seeing if he’s interested in having a conversation with the RM? Or would you suggest something else?

First off, I think it’s a pretty amazing thing that you want to do the Christ-like thing and ensure everyone feels at home in your ward. Thank you for that, and we need more like you.

The Family Acceptance Project materials you mention are a great resource for both families and Bishops, to help them understand how to respond to LGBT Mormons in a way that keeps them safe from significant health risks—including depression and suicide.  

That said, I would proceed with caution here. You have no way of knowing where this RM is in his process. For example, if he’s not out at all (perhaps even to himself), you could do more harm than good. When I was 24, if my Bishop had pulled me aside and essentially “outed” me, I’d have been mortified—and chances are I wouldn’t have come back.

Likewise, the perspective of the bishop is also important. Is he of the mindset that everyone should be welcome into the ward family—wherever they are in their personal life? Or does he hold to the outdated school of thought that LGBT Mormons should be confined to a life of celibacy, and if they don’t, they should be excommunicated? If it’s the latter, he may not be the best resource to help LGBT Mormons feel welcome.

Bottom line, sexual orientation (gay, straight, or anywhere in between) is a pretty personal thing, and up to an individual to not only define what it is, but decide when it’s appropriate to share it with others.

But there are some things you can do to signal to this RM—and everyone in your ward—that you’re a safe space when it comes to LGBT Mormons.

First, you had the complete right idea about the Family Acceptance Project materials. What I would do if I were you is order several copies from the website (they are available at cost, since the production and development of the Mormon materials was unfunded) and ask to meet with your bishopric and relief society presidency to discuss them. Keep the focus on the research itself, and not on your RM friend.

It may be that your leadership team is receptive and ready, and genuinely appreciates the approach outlined in the materials. In an ideal scenario, they may want to host a more formal training for the ward or stake—and let me know if they’re interested, Drs. Ryan and Reese and I make ourselves available to travel to locations to host these kinds of sessions, and have done many to date.

Second, speak up. When you hear an uneducated or un-Christlike comment made about your LGBT fellows (or anyone, for that matter) speak your mind. This isn’t about being angry, confrontational, or demanding doctrine must be changed. It's simply about helping people understand that we really are all one human family, and exemplifying the kind of peace and good will our Savior would like us all to have for one another--and helping establish a Mormon culture where that comes to life.

Words can hurt, and it makes a huge difference when you speak up. You’re not only educating those around you, but you’re sending a message that you care about how these comments make people feel. And by so doing, you give others permission to speak up for what is right, as well.

Think about the closeted person who may have heard the comment and felt shame because he couldn’t respond and speak up for himself. Or think about the woman who has a lesbian daughter and felt she couldn’t respond because she was afraid of her Mormon fellows casting judgment upon her.

Then think about what your Savior would do.

You can also sign up to join Mormons Building Bridges or Mormons for Marriage Equality on Facebook. You’ll find like-minded allies and LGBT Mormons who can share their stories of success with you. Additionally, you’ll likely locate other allies in your immediate area who can lend support, ideas, and help you build a community of supportive allies.

Most important of all, be kind. I know this sounds trite, but often the best thing you can do for LGBT Mormons is just to be nice to them. That means sitting with your friend at church, letting him know he’s missed when he doesn’t come, and inviting him to do things with you/your family outside of church. It’s really fellowship 101: Treat him the way you’d like to treated. If it turns out he is gay, your gestures will go a long way toward helping him feel safe and loved. If he’s not, he’ll still end up feeling loved. Either way, you both win.

Make sure you extend that same level of kindness to those who don’t quite support you in your new venture. You’re likely to get some push back—and maybe even from within your family. But keep in mind, our Savior’s policy of “love everyone” wasn’t altogether well received in His day, either—so keep the faith.

And remember, through all of this, the only opinion of you that should really matter more than your own is that of your Savior. I’m pretty sure he’d be pleased with your heart on this one.