Guest post from a new--and very amazing--friend, Bryce Cook. This article is so wonderful it doesn't even need an introduction, other than to say I am blessed to have Bryce on this path with me.
You can reach Bryce directly at
brycercook@yahoo.com or leave a comment for him here.
Enjoy.
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To all our friends and family, we feel that it’s time to be
open and honest about something that we have kept silent for a long time. Many
of you already know this, or may have heard secondhand, so I want you to hear
it directly from me (and Sara): our oldest son, Trevor, is gay. You may wonder
why we would share this information publicly (and of course it’s with Trevor’s
permission). I will tell you why, but first let me share our story.
“Mom and Dad, I know this will come as a shock to you, but I
am same-sex attracted.” Those were the words in a long letter Trevor had
written to us when he was 18 and a freshman at BYU. “Shocked” did not
adequately express how we felt when we read those words. How
could this be?, we thought. We were
a faithful Mormon family, we had regular family prayer and scripture study, we
had a very positive, loving relationship with our children. And how could this
happen to Trevor, a young man as honest, upright and moral as any young man I
knew? It’s just not possible!
As I continued reading, I saw the great turmoil he had gone
through over the last four years while trying to come to grips with this – the
feelings of guilt, self-loathing, failure, shame. So strong were those feelings
that he couldn’t even confide in his parents. W
hy didn’t he tell us sooner?,
I wondered.
Why couldn’t he tell his
own parents? We always had a very open and loving relationship and could talk
about anything with him. My wife, Sara, remembers a particular time when
Trevor was a young man in high school. She saw him in his room looking very
down and distraught. She pled with him to tell her what was the matter, but all
he could do was look at her and cry; he couldn’t –
wouldn’t – tell her about his secret because he didn’t want to
shame us. He wanted to bear the burden alone, to spare us the grief.
He was also afraid.
Afraid to disappoint us, to admit he was a “failure” as a
son, to acknowledge that he was one of those “awful gays” he had heard me talk
about. Yes, sadly, I must admit that up until that time, I was homophobic and
had very un-Christlike feelings towards gay people. Even worse, because of my
attitudes and feelings, I had probably unwittingly contributed to the silent
agony my son had suffered for so long and made him afraid to tell us for fear
of hurting us or not knowing how we would take it. By the grace of God, he had
not been driven to suicide, as too many gay LDS youth have. The one outlet that
perhaps kept him from reaching the breaking point was his decision to tell our
Bishop one summer when our family were all away on a back packing trip that
Trevor had to miss due to work. While this good Bishop couldn’t answer all
Trevor’s questions, he at least assured Trevor that he was not a bad person,
that God still accepted him and that he had no reason to feel any shame or
guilt. As long as he didn’t act on his feelings of attraction, he was still
worthy in the eyes of God and the church and could still go on a mission and
serve in any church calling.
From that point, Trevor began to accept himself as he was.
He was able to forge ahead with more confidence in himself and continue to plan
for college and a mission. When he finally came out to us in that letter almost
nine years ago, we were shocked and saddened; but we let him know that no
matter what, he was our son and we loved him. We also secretly held the hope
that somehow, some way, he might be able to change.
The change, however, occurred in us.
One thing that changed immediately was our attitudes about
gay people. We knew that if someone as honest, moral and committed to the gospel
as Trevor was could be gay, then pretty much everything we thought we knew
about being gay was just plain wrong. So the first thing I did was to educate
myself on the subject. I studied some of the scientific research on it. I read
church leaders’ statements on same-sex attraction, which in recent years have
evolved significantly. And I read and listened to the experiences of numerous
LDS gay men and women. These stories – like my son’s experience – are what
particularly changed our hearts. From all this study and from my discussions
with Trevor, I would like to share with you some of the important things we
have learned:
(1) Being gay is not a choice. Science and psychology have
recognized this for a long time, and even the church has come to recognize this
in recent years. I have read some of the scientific research (mostly from Bill
Bradshaw, a BYU biology professor and former mission president), which is quite
compelling. But more compelling than the science is the experience and
testimony of numerous faithful LDS gay people, including my own son. They
sincerely tell us that they never chose to be attracted to the same sex; in
fact many have tried in various ways to ignore it, fight it or change it – but
it doesn’t go away. Moreover, why would an honest, faithful young man or woman
ever choose to be gay in our church and suffer the shame, guilt and rejection
that too often come with it? Those who doubt this proposition should ask
themselves, did I ever have to make a conscious decision to like and be attracted
to the opposite sex, or was it natural and instinctive? Likewise, it is natural
and instinctive for those who are attracted to the same sex.
(2) Sexual orientation doesn’t change. Again, the experience
of numerous faithful LDS gay people can’t be ignored. As Bill Bradshaw
observes, “honesty compels us to consider the experience of a very large number
of LDS gay people, who in spite of exhaustive, lengthy, and totally sincere
efforts have not been able to change the fact of who they are sexually. A
testimony of the gospel, faithful church activity, fasting, prayer, missionary
service, temple service – all of these are important, but none, in any
combination, has been able to alter sexual orientation.” Any doubters should
ask themselves, is there anything that would cause me to lose my feelings
towards the opposite sex and be attracted to members of the same sex?
(3) Being gay is not just about sex – any more than being
heterosexual is just about sex. Gay people are no different than straight people
when it comes to relationships. Like all human beings, they desire emotional,
spiritual and physical attachment. They feel the same compulsion to fall in
love, find a companion and share their life with someone. The desire for
physical intimacy is just one aspect of the spectrum of feelings and emotions
that humans, whether gay or straight, experience in a relationship.
As we learned these things, we became comfortable with who
Trevor was; and we no longer felt a need to hope for things that were not to
be. As for Trevor, he served a great mission, graduated from BYU and is now on
his way to China, working for the U.S. State Department. He is still an active,
temple-going Mormon – and of course he is still gay.
So now we come to the part where you may be wondering why I
feel the need to share this with everyone. As I learned more about my gay
brothers and sisters, actually met them and talked with them, I came to love
them. I also gained great empathy for them. I have seen too much pain and
suffering, mistreatment and rejection – all because of ignorance, fear and
misunderstanding. As long as this subject is taboo and people are too afraid or
intimidated to speak about it, then young gay people in the church will
continue to suffer as Trevor did. There will be bullying, fear and
self-loathing – even suicide. We will continue to lose too many wonderful gay
men and women (and often their families) because they feel unwanted and
unwelcome among us.
This should not happen in the church. This is why Sara and I
have decided that we can no longer be silent, closeted parents. We don’t want
to be a part of the problem. We want all gay people, particularly that young
man or woman in our midst who is silently suffering with nowhere to turn, to
know that we love them and support them. We are there for them and for their
family if they need help, encouragement or understanding. The church at this
time has no official outreach or instruction on this subject, other than a few
statements over the years and a pamphlet. Local leaders are mostly left on
their own on how to counsel gay members. Among other things, my wife and I have
spoken with our local church leaders about our willingness to be a resource to
help educate fellow members and especially to help individuals and families who
just need someone to talk to. As we have begun to reach out and be more public,
we have been able to help other LDS people dealing with this issue. Here is a
personal note I received a few days ago after sharing this story in another
post:
I thought your post on the Mormons
Building Bridges website today was AMAZING!!! As a member of a bishopric of a
ward in [withheld] with many gay members, I have a handful of young men who
struggle with the feeling that it would be better to take their own lives than
to have their parents find out. I have shared your story with them in hopes
that it will give them the courage to talk with the people that love them most
and that the response will be as loving as yours was.
The next day, I received a follow-up message that made me
gasp, and reinforced how important it is to be more open about this topic:
I have a 23-year-old returned
missionary I have been trying to help for the past couple of months wrestle
with this issue. So far, I had been the ONLY person he had told and he had been
agonizing over when/if he should tell his parents. Early yesterday afternoon, I
sent him your post from the MBB wall. Soon thereafter, he sent me an email
back, confessing that, just yesterday morning, he had gone out and bought a gun
because he had convinced himself that that would be a better option than
bringing shame and disgrace to his family. However, after reading your post, he
resolved instead to tell his parents and hope they would be as understanding as
you were. I totally see God's hand in the timing of this sequence of events to
reach down and use the tools at his disposal to save the life of one of his
hurting children. When the stress of that conversation was over, I couldn't
help but weep at how many OTHER people there might be out there now,
contemplating a similar fate, with no one to turn to.
Now there is probably a tendency to believe that we don’t
really have that many gay people in our church here locally, so why all the
fuss? Sure it’s an issue in Los Angeles, the Bay area and other urban areas,
but not in our conservative, religious community, right? I think you would be
surprised if you really knew. We know because we have met a number of LDS young
gay men who are from here. These are wonderful young men who have served
missions, who are talented, kind and loving and who have so much to offer the
church. Sadly, the majority of them are outside the church, even those who
still believe and identify as LDS. Which brings me to my final point.
To be members of the church in full fellowship, gay members
must make a sacrifice of supreme proportions. They are not allowed to fall in
love, show physical affection, or be married to those to whom they are
naturally attracted. They are required to be completely celibate. Some might
argue that their situation is no different from people who are handicapped or
who never had the opportunity to marry; such a comparison is not accurate.
Unlike those who lack the emotional/mental capacity or people to whom the
marriage opportunity never came, gay people are just as capable as heterosexual
people of having a loving, monogamous relationship.
To give it a personal perspective, if you were told that you
could not marry or that you had to give up your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend
in order to retain your membership in the church, how would you choose?
Thankfully, most of us don’t have to make such a difficult decision. But most
gay people do. And because falling in love and having someone to share your
life with is such a major part of our earthly experience (and a major focus of
the church), the great majority of gay people at some time or another choose
that path.
My only purpose in bringing up this point is so that we
might have an extra measure of empathy and compassion for our gay brothers and
sisters. So that we might welcome them with open arms into our congregations,
without judgment or condemnation, but with love and acceptance, no matter their
status or circumstances. I’m simply asking that we love them as the Savior does.
That, my family and friends, is my plea.
While this has probably been too wordy already, there are
many things that have been left unsaid. If you have any questions, please feel
free to talk to me, Sara or Trevor.
With love, Bryce and Sara Cook
