Circling the wagons: Mormon LGBT conference--remarks of Michael Pappas

On Sunday, August 12, 2012, Michael G. Pappas, M. Div. (Executive Director of the San Francisco Interfaith Council) spoke at the closing session of "Circling the Wagons: Mormon LGBT Conference."

We owe a special debt of gratitude to Michael for helping us secure locations, and make deep connections into the interfaith community that helped create a pretty amazing spirit of cooperation between those of different faith traditions that share a common underpinning: the belief that we are all fellow children of God, and are all equal in his eyes--regardless of gender, orientation, ethnicity, or any other marker we use to define differences between ourselves and others.

I share Michael's remarks with you below (with his permission), and wish to say publicly how much I admire this mans integrity, courage, and kindness. I'm proud to call him a friend.

You can also view a video of his remarks here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBiQpbiTCGM&feature=youtu.be

Enjoy.

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“Circling The Wagons” Interfaith Service

Saint Cyprian’s Episcopal Church

12 August 2012

Remarks Offered By Michael G. Pappas, M.Div.

Executive Director of the San Francisco Interfaith Council

Please rise… Now, everyone smile (takes photo)… I want to capture this moment in history! Thank you!

Don’t you remember, growing up, when the family was together, some enthusiastic relative would always pull out a camera, interrupt a precious occasion, ask you to paste a smile on your face, all in the name of capturing an image that would be talked about for years to come. The significance of that photo was two fold: first, it proved that the event actually occurred in history and, second, it became the reference point for the lore that would be created around what happened at that event, a lore that would become part of your family’s oral tradition for as long a that photo existed. 

If I know anything about my family’s history, it is precisely because I spent precious time with my grandmother of blessed memory, turning the pages of a worn photo album and learning the history that I would be called to honor, steward and pass down to my progeny. 

To look at those photos and the smiles on everyone’s faces, one would think that everyone was always happy. I suspect part of the very intention of taking those photos was to create a perception that we sorely wanted to believe. Those photos gave us license to veil, if only for a moment, the real dynamics of the collective subjects in those portraits. 

In reality, those dynamics are our real inheritance and until we can come to terms with them, wrestle with them and make some difficult choices, we can’t really grow as family.   

For the family gathered here today, this day is, in reality, a Kodak moment. It is a historic moment and it is a courageous moment.  For the past couple of days this family has gathered in a safe and sacred space to wrestle with issues of both religious doctrine and intensely intimate and personal sensitivities.  What is also significant about this moment is the fact that you have not convened in isolation. Gathered in this sanctuary are LGBT Mormons who have traveled at great expense and distance from throughout the nation, welcomed by respected members of the local stake.  But it’s not just those of us gathered here at St. Cyprian’s, for whom this conclave bears significance. Dear friends, the greater LGBT community, Mormon family, and I dare say the world is watching. They will see the photo we just took and await with great anticipation for the narrative that will emerge from this weekend.

Allow me to make a confession, like so many of my interfaith colleagues and, for that matter, fellow Americans, I know very little about the Mormon faith. I’ve never read your sacred text, The Book of Mormon, and have only attended one previous prayer service. What I know about the Mormon faith is what I know about the values and character of the Mormons I’ve met, the Richard Harrises, the Camilla Smiths, the Matt Mossmans, the Mitch Maynes and the Sean Trumans. From them I’ve discerned that family and relationships are at the core of the Mormon faith. 

Why this is such a historic moment is because those assembled here today love their Mormon family too much to walk away from it. What is historic about this moment is that at the core, there is a profound recognition that parents do feel great pain when their children hurt. You are here today because you care about your faith and realize that unless you struggle with key issues as a family, your family will not be what your faith calls it to be. On this note allow me to draw from the sacred text of the tradition in which I was raised. Saint Paul, with whom I confess to often struggle, makes an insightful observation, “When one member of the Body hurts, the entire Body suffers.” Although times change, dear friends, human nature remains the same. How on-the-mark St. Paul, the great missionary, speaks to the current state of families and communities of faith. 

But times do change and advances in academic thought and innovative technology challenge us not only to evolve, but for our faith beliefs to pastorally respond to the rapid pace of such progress. Change is not easy and for many it is an uncomfortable, if not painful, experience and necessity.

Some in this sanctuary will remember the days when, to simply take a photograph, one had to go out, purchase and load film into a camera, wait until the role was fully taken, then drop the canister at the local photo shop or pharmacy and wait a week or more for the film to be developed. If you wanted to share those images with others you had to pull out your bulky album or carry those glossies in your wallet or purse. Now, in an instant, on your phone, not only can you capture an image, but in the same nano-second, also email it to your mother and upload it on Facebook to share with your 1,000 plus most intimate friends. 

Just as academic thought and innovative technology have evolved, so too have people and communities of faith. What I am about to say is not exclusive to any one faith tradition…but please hear me out. Once imprisoned, yes imprisoned  by the fear and shame espoused in the name of religious doctrine, so many, myself included, have come to the realization that life is too precious to waste; That the God who created us does not make mistakes and would never be so cruel as to create us for a life of pain or of any less value than anyone else created.  We have come to the realization that each of us is the unique, special and precious creation of God. In moments when struggling with the selective execution of doctrine, in the faith in which I was raised, I recall the words of my learned professor of Dogmatic Theology on the first day of class. Simply, in his broken English, he stated, “All theology is pastoral.” That is to say, the acid test of the validity of true doctrine is whether or not, like a good shepherd, it leads us to the Kingdom of God.  I would hope and pray that such an acid test, when it comes to religious doctrine, would transcend confessional boundaries. 

Friends, show us what it truly means to be a Mormon. To those who do not know better, at best, yours is a curious, if not strange faith. To be brutally honest, at worst, some go so far as to consider it a cult.  In the minds of the ignorant, well-groomed missionaries, Big Love and polygamy are all they know about you.  You know what it is like to be the victims of suspicion and prejudice, what it is like to be alienated from society. Precisely because you know and feel such pain, you also have the capacity to empathize with the pain felt by those within your own community who have been victimized and marginalized because they are perceived by the mainstream as different.

Dear friends, take a moment and look at the person next to you, in front of and behind you. This is a profound Kodak moment. Not only are those here present going to take home memories from this convening, but your community of faith and I dare say the greater community is watching to see where this will go. What do you want them to see? What message do you want to send, not only to one another and the world, but also to your children and grandchildren? This historic moment is yours! Let it be a shining moment! …And as you contemplate these pressing questions and challenges, remember that the antithesis of fear is courage, the antithesis of pride is humility and the antithesis of hatred is love. These greater virtues will be essential to employ if change is to be effected and the family is to be healed.

God bless you and God keep you.

Circling the Wagons-Mormon LGBT Conference

On the weekend of August 10, 2012, LGBT Mormons and their allies gathered together in San Francisco, California, for the third "Circling the Wagons: Mormon LGBT Conference."I share my opening remarks with you below.

The theme for the conference was "Joined together in fellowship," and with that, we connected deeply to our interfaith fellows in San Francisco and held the conference at Saint Cyprian's Church. It was fitting that the conference be held at Saint Cyprian's. The roots of this church date back to the 1870s, prior to which no no parish existed to serve the needs of the black community in San Francisco.

We joined together at this 89 year-old church whose members have known rejection, misunderstanding, violence, injustice and bigotry and worked hard for change within the church and the world.

In the spirit of our theme--Joining together in fellowship--I spoke about the importance of our role as LGBT Mormons and allies, and how we can help our straight brothers and sisters as they grapple with how to better understand and include us, and how we can join together as one human family--all equal in the eyes of our Father.

Enjoy.

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Thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today—it is an honor to be among so many who display so deeply the genuine and sincere love for one another that our Savior would. It is humbling to me to numbered among you.

This weekend, ironically, is my ‘birthday weekend.’ A year this weekend I was sustained as the executive secretary in the bishopric of the Bay Ward in San Francisco as my authentic self—an openly gay man.

And what an amazing year it’s been—certainly for me personally, but also for all of us as a Mormon and Mormon affiliated family. Let me tell you what I’m talking about.

In the past twelve months, we’ve made history in more than one way:

• We’ve seen an openly gay man put into a priesthood leadership position in a local ward—and watched as the world turned its head and took notice of where Mormons were headed on the LGBT issue.
• We’ve seen the emergence of this conference—now held three times in three different locations throughout the country. And this time, we are joined by not one, not two, not three, but four local priesthood leaders who speak openly about their beliefs on being inclusive to LGBT Mormons and their families.
• For the first time in history, we’ve seen LGBT Mormons and allies take to the streets, and march in almost 20 PRIDE celebrations across the globe, including Santiago, Chile. The Mormon allies carried messages of welcome, love, and inclusion to the LGBT community and their signs ranged from “LDS heart LGBT” to “This Mormon Mom supports your right to marry.”
• For the first time in history, we’ve seen straight BYU students speak up on video for more active inclusion of their LGBT brothers and sisters, and watched as that series of videos went viral.
• For the first time in history, we now have evidence-based research positioned specifically for Mormon families that teach them how to respond to their LGBT kids in a way that helps keep them safe from significant health risks—and that helps keep families together.

It’s almost as if our Savior has his finger on the fast-forward button when it comes to the topic of LGBT Mormons and their families, and it is a remarkable thing to behold.

I want to talk to you today about resentments and forgiveness. Now, that may seem like an unusual topic given that the theme for this conference is “Joined together in fellowship.” But it’s a topic I’ve thought about deeply, and one I think is critical to any successful attempt at fellowship between the traditional and LGBT Mormon communities.

Earlier this year I spoke in Washington, DC, and I posited the idea that there was indeed a test for humans wrapped up inside the LGBT issue, but the test wasn’t for gay people—we’re merely the vehicle through which the test is being delivered. The test, really, is for our straight brothers and sisters—and that test is whether or not they’ll lend compassion, inclusion, equality and Christ-like love to a segment of society that, for whatever reason, appears to be the least of these in this sphere. 

And I also reminded us that we, as LGBT Mormons and allies, are not necessarily off the hook here, just because we’re not being given the test. Our role is to be more compassionate, more kind, more long suffering, and the penultimate examples of that which we seek to achieve. We must be the vessels of our Savior’s virtue, peace, and unconditional love.

That’s a tall order. Especially when each of us are surrounded by messages that seem designed to remind us that we’re a little bit less than everyone else, or that we deserve less than everyone else. Much of the danger for us lies in what we choose to do with those messages. When we allow ourselves to internalize them, we become resentful, bitter, and angry. And when our spirits are locked inside resentments, it’s virtually impossible to treat anyone with compassion, kindness, and Christ-like love (ourselves included).

A wise friend once told me “Holding a resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. “ And it’s true. Holding a resentment locks my spiritual energy into a cycle of rehearsing my grievances, reviewing how I’ve been hurt, assessing damages, and assigning blame. When my thoughts and my heart are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge there is little room for the quiet, gentle voice of my Savior to offer me guidance which I seek and desire.

There are times, as we navigate our course in life, where our paths will cross with those who will hurt us—sometimes they do so inadvertently, with good intent, doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Other times, though, some will seek to do us deliberate harm, inflicting pain upon us through calculated choices of words, deeds, or direct actions.

Throughout my path in life—and especially as a gay Mormon—I have encountered both types of people; those who have harmed me unintentionally, and those who have done so deliberately. But the lesson I have come to realize is regardless of the intent of the person who has wounded us, the choice is still ours as to whether or not (and how genuinely) we forgive.

With practice, I have come to realize that forgiveness is a gift I give to myself. I don’t need anyone’s apology to be happy—my happiness or lack thereof is completely my choice.

The only way I have come to genuinely be able to put a sincere philosophy of forgiveness into practice is by cultivating a deep, personal, and intimate relationship with my Savior. In that relationship, I am free to be my authentic self.

And with that, I am free to share everything I feel with my Savior—my joy, my happiness, my anger, and my resentments. He knows me well—and He stands ready to meet me where I am, even when I am not at my best. All I need to do is ask.

That said, even when we’ve recognized that we don’t need the apology of another to be happy—and that our happiness is up to us—we may still feel the pain from the actions of others, even when we’ve chosen to forgive in our hearts—some wounds simply cut more deeply than others. We can forgive in sincerity of heart, but we must also recognize that we can’t force the healing process. That process ultimately belongs to our Savior—once we have done our part by forgiving those who harm us, and placing our pain into His hands.

There are also those among us who have adopted the view that forgiveness is a power we have over others—enabling us to demonstrate our own superiority by rising above the offense and magnanimously bestowing our grace and forgiveness to the offender.

But herein lies the danger with this philosophy: It overlooks the simple truth that we are all on equal footing with every other member of our human family. True, some make choices that others would not, but we all do good and righteous acts at times—and at other times, we may offend and hurt.

Worse, when we adopt the attitude that forgiveness is power, we tell ourselves and the world around us that we are victims—and thus, we remain victims. 

Forgiving others is not easy. In fact, for most of us it requires a major change in our attitude and way of thinking—even a mighty change of heart. But the good news is that mighty change of heart is the exact thing our Savior can bring into our lives. 

When our lives are centered on our Savior, and His opinion of us matters more than that of the humans in our lives, something remarkable and pure happens to us. The more we allow the love of our Savior to govern our minds and emotions—the more we allow His love to swell within our hearts—the easier it is to love others with the same kind of love He offers us. As we open our hearts to the warm light of our savior’s love, the darkness and cold of resentment and anger will fade.

A few years ago, I came out to a Bishop of mine. He was a genuinely good man, but a man nonetheless—and one that misunderstood what being gay was all about. When I explained my situation to him in a heartfelt, genuine and vulnerable way, his only response to me was this: “Well, I won’t excommunicate you now. But you will never work with the youth of the church.” 

Now, at this point in my spiritual maturity I was still pretty locked into the idea that I had to take what local leaders dished out to me and like it, whether or not it was fair or Christ-like. But as I sat on that idea—that this man equated me with being a pedophile simply because I was gay—it just didn’t feel right. 

So I counseled with my Savior, and the following Sunday an opportunity presented itself to speak to this man again. Now understand that I was full of bitterness, anger, resentment, and even rage for what he’d said. Yet, when I approached him, I allowed my heart to be softened just a little bit—and with that, was able to speak to him in kind, gentle, but firm tones and words—and enable him to understand not only why his words were hurtful, but how they were inaccurate. 

A few short years later, after this man was released from his calling, I was indeed working with the youth of my ward as a Sunday School teacher, and this man’s son was in my class. And you know what? This man became (and is to this day) one of my biggest champions. In fact, he ended up coming to Sunstone to hear me present on the subject of how LGBT Mormons fit inside our faith. To this day he is my friend, and my ally—and an ally to all LGBT Mormons. 

None of this would have occurred—or it certainly would have occurred much more slowly—if I had allowed my own resentment to rule my thoughts, words, and deeds. 

But by staying close to my Savior, being kind in my approach, and gently correcting this man in a way that didn’t leave him feeling scolded or insulted, I was able to change the course of our relationship—and soften a heart permanently for the betterment of all the human family. 

As always, Christ is our exemplar when it comes to forgiveness. In His teachings as in His life, He showed us the way. He forgave the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurt and to do Him harm.

Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can do that. But our Savior taught a higher law. His words echo through the centuries and are meant for us today—and I believe, meant specifically for gay Mormons and our allies. They are meant for you and me: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

When our hearts are filled with the love of our Savior, we become “kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving [each other], even as our Savior [forgives us].

When we cultivate that kind of deep relationship with our Savior, forgiveness comes to our hearts much more easily. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect, and it doesn’t mean we don’t get hurt or angry. But it does mean we’re more likely to know where to take those emotions and respond in a way that doesn’t perpetuate the cycle of unkindness. 

Here, I’ll let you in on a few ways I’ve learned to rid myself of my frustrations and resentments. These may work for you—feel free to adopt them if they do. 

One trick I use is to call a trusted friend and set the expectation that I need to vent. I use the word “trusted” here deliberately, because there is a big difference between gossiping and processing through our feelings. I choose someone who knows the difference—things that are shared in confidence and carelessly repeated can also wound our fellows.

I tell my friend to look at their watch and give me five minutes to just spew. I ask for a time limit deliberately, because there are some things I could vent about for days on end—and for me, it seems there is a fine line between processing through my feelings and wallowing in self pity. One is productive—the other is not. So by setting a boundary on time I help steer myself clear of a path I don’t want to be on. 

I don’t solicit feedback in this five minutes, I don’t ask for advice. I just pour out the raw emotions inside me. And then I stop, and ask the other person how their day is going. It helps take the focus off of me and my grievances. 

Another trick I’ve learned is to leverage a little tool I call my “God Box.” Some of you have heard me talk about this before, and I know it seems a little trite and silly, but it works wonders for me. 

I have a box someone gave me years ago—it was a gift from a friend and originally contained thank-you cards, so to me it felt like it was full of good karma already. I write my resentment down on a piece of paper, open the lid to the box, and place the paper inside. Then, before I close the lid, I speak to my Savior. I don’t use fancy or even prayerful language—and sometimes the language I use very closely resembles what I would say to a trusted human friend I was venting with. I explain my situation, share my anger, speak my fear and frustration—but always end with this: “My Savior, I can’t handle this. You can. I choose to let you.” Then I close the lid of the box and put it away. 

Later in the day, I sometimes find my mind wandering back to my resentment and hurt—but I gently pull myself back and remind myself, “Wait. I don’t have to think about this today. It’s in the hands of my Savior.” 

Sometimes I have to do both of these things (and more), and sometimes I have to do them several days or weeks in a row—and that’s okay. The point is that I’m working through my resentments in a way that allows me to be free of them, and think of this process as spiritual scissors that cut the ties that bind me to negative and self-defeating ways of thinking. And in the process of doing so, I strengthen my network of trusted friends and allies, and deepen my reliance upon my Savior. 

I’ve found for me, the combination of my relationship with my Savior and the practical tools I’ve cultivated, more quickly remove the scales of resentment and wrath from my eyes, and allow me to see others just a little bit like our Father must see us—as flawed, imperfect humans who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. 

And it is my testimony that it can do the same for you. 

Brothers and sisters, as we move forward and seek to join together in fellowship with our straight fellows, I pray that we will remember our role as LGBT Mormons and allies. It is not the role of someone who is afflicted, suffering, or burdened at the hand of our Father. It is the role of peacemaker, and as the ambassadors our Savior’s virtue, kindness, and unconditional love.

And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I leave these things with you in the name of ally, my champion, and my friend, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Opening Prayer from San Francisco Pride (transcript)

For years—since likely well before the difficulties of Prop 8 in California—there have been those among the Mormon ranks who have experienced pain around the issue of LGBT individuals and how they fit within our faith. Many, if not all of these individuals, have prayed diligently for clarity, a softening of hearts on both sides of this issue, and an opportunity to help play a role—however small—in helping bring that about.

In 2012, the Pride Parades across the nation presented such an opportunity. And given the heartfelt and spiritual desires of those who joined this effort and marched in the celebration, we treated this very much like a worship service. In effect, we saw this as our chance to bring our spiritual worship service to the streets and directly to the LGBT community and their allies.

And in that same spirit, we opened the march with an opening hymn, and an opening prayer. We walked in our church clothes. We chose signs that reflected the best of our scriptures and statements of welcome from our leadership. We carried a deliberate and well planned message of love and inclusion.

Below is a transcript of the  opening I prayer I offered at the San Francisco Pride Parade on June 24, 2012. (Special thanks to our friends at NBC for providing the transcript.)

We were recognizably Mormon, and we did that purposefully—to let others know that we love and welcome our LGBT brothers and sisters. 

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"Our dear Father in Heaven...

We bow our heads humbly before you today in gratitude, for the opportunity to be ambassadors of your unconditional love. We ask for you to bless us today with loose tongues, with free spirits and open countenances that others around us might understand our sincerity and our heartfelt desire to reach out to them--to love them as our peers, our equals, our fellows, as part of our human family. We ask that in turn that you might soften their hearts, so that each step we take today may be a step closer to unity between two communities that long for love and reconciliation, and who belong together as your children.

We ask these things humbly in the name of our Lord, our champion and our Savior Jesus Christ.

Amen

(Group: Amen)

Alright you guys, march safe--and thank you, thank you, thank you!" (crowd cheers)

Changing the way Mormons talk about gays

A repost of my wonderful Bishop's op-ed written about Family Acceptance Project's LDS materials designed to help keep LGBT Mormon youth and young adults safe, and help keep families together.

Yes, my Bishop makes me get up painfully early on Sundays, but the privilege to work with a man like this is well worth those missed hours of sleep.

Enjoy.
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I am going to use heartfelt, strong language as I stress the importance of a new, groundbreaking publication that has — in my opinion — the ability to save lives. Its subject matter is far too important to be ignored or taken lightly, especially when we regularly read about lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender young people and adults who leave the Mormon Church, never mind the senseless loss of many to suicide.

Supportive Families, Healthy Children: Helping Latter-Day Saint Families with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Children, co-written by Caitlin Ryan, director of the Family Acceptance Project, and Bob Rees, a former LDS bishop, may well be the tool that gives Mormon families what they need to accept their LGBT children.

I am a physician and have provided clinical care to patients for 30 years. I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and love my religion. I was recently released from my calling as a counselor in our stake presidency so that I could serve as a bishop — my third opportunity to do so. How members of this church treat LGBT people is, in many cases, not in keeping with what I feel is the doctrine of Jesus Christ.

This must change.

My wonderful ward is diverse and may have the distinction of having more gay Latter-day Saints than any other on the planet. Though I am straight, I have family members who are gay and who have patiently helped open the eyes of my understanding. It seems clear to me that while they have been here in mortality their only "choice" related to their sexual orientation is to be honest about who they are — sons and daughters of God who are gay.

My executive secretary is a wonderful member who is very open about being gay. His recounting of the bullying he had to endure as a youngster has moved me more than anything in my memory. Check out for yourself this powerful link. 

Working as a bishop in the Bay Ward, I have heard firsthand the stories of members who are gay and felt their pain as I work to bring them back into church activity. The emotional pain and isolation of LGBT members rejected by parents, friends and loved ones after coming out is more severe than any other I have yet experienced in my ministering, and it motivates me to continue in the work I am doing.

As a physician, I have learned the importance of evidence-based practice and the critical role of science in informing our understanding about human development, interaction and care. There is an urgent need to provide evidence-based guidance for LDS families with LGBT children and also more generally for our congregations as well. These new educational materials from the Family Acceptance Project are aimed to help LDS families and our church family support LGBT youths and adults, to reduce serious risk for suicide and HIV, to foster wellness and keep our families together. I feel strongly compelled to recommend these new materials to you — much good will come if you take the time to carefully study these well-researched documents and consider their application in your life.

We often use the term "closeted," relative to issues of same gender attraction. Because of the real fear of bullying and prejudices, this concealing of identities and inclinations continues today — especially among those who belong to our church. Good, solid epidemiology makes the math quite simple. Multiply your church membership numbers by 4 percent and you will have the number of gay members in your ward.

It is apparent to me that within the "culture" of our religion, widespread bullying is still occurring — and this extends across all age ranges. This is often done without malicious intent, but nonetheless, it inflicts serious and unnecessary emotional wounds.

One of my family members, who still has a strong, abiding testimony, has not attended church in several years. He states, "If they knew who I was, they would not want me there." Unfortunately, that is a reality. This ought not to be. Is this what Jesus would do if he were a member of your ward?

As LDS Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland has said, "Some members exclude from their circle of fellowship those who are different. When our actions or words discourage someone from taking full advantage of church membership, we fail them — and the Lord."

With humble hearts we all need to look inward to see if there are prejudices the Savior would have us cast off. Unconsciously, we may be guilty of bullying, ourselves.

A way out: Preventing suicide and homelessness for LGBTQ Mormon youth

A repost of my recent articles on Huffington Post and The Advocate, talking about the importance of new work from The Family Acceptance Project that helps the Mormon community understand how to support their LGBT children in a way that honors our faith and eliminates the illusion that we must choose between our children and our church.

Download your copy of the materials here.

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I am not your typical gay man. Nor am I your typical Mormon. For the past nine months, I have served as the executive secretary in the bishopric (the religious leadership) of my home ward in San Francisco, CA, as my authentic self—an openly gay, active Latter-day Saint.

For years, I’d been writing about my experiences as an openly gay Mormon and accepted this calling in a way that honors both my orientation and my faith. As with all callings in the Mormon faith, mine is both a duty and a privilege. It provides me with an opportunity—and a responsibility—to be of service to both the Mormon and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning (LGBTQ) communities, and help those around me better integrate deep and often conflicted parts of their lives.

Over the course of the past nine months, thousands of LGBTQ Mormons and their families have reached out to me to offer their support, and in many cases, to ask for mine. I have, because of the position in which I have been placed, become the repository of stories of deeply wounded women, men and youth who struggle greatly to understand how LGBTQ Mormons fit inside our faith.

I’ve been quite open about my own turbulent past growing up as a gay Mormon. As a youth, I tried and failed to kill myself. My life was given back to me. But many are not so fortunate. While no formal statistics of gay Mormon youth suicide exists, most estimate it to be between four and nine time the national average.

For each of us—of Mormon faith or none at all—every LGBTQ youth lost is a loss we feel personally, whether we recognize it or not. Among those we’ve lost are potential leaders who could have contributed to make the world a better place. We may have lost the next Nobel Laureate. We may have lost the scientist who would have discovered a cure for cancer – or the skilled orator who could have brokered peace between troubled nations.

But now there is hope that this can change. On June 15, The Family Acceptance Project released an LDS version of their evidence-based, family education booklet that enables families and communities to support LGBT youth in a way that reduces their risk for substance abuse, diminishes their risk for STDs including HIV, and dramatically reduces suicide and depression risk.

When I met with Dr. Caitlin Ryan, Director of the Family Acceptance Project, and saw these materials, I was amazed at how skillfully she and her team had blended the compelling science of her research with the best parts of the Mormon faith—the parts that carry with them true compassion and Christ-like love. Dr. Ryan left me by myself in the conference room when we neared the close of our meeting. What she never saw—and what I’ve never shared before today—is how intensely I cried in those moments I was alone.

I mourned for my Mom, who wanted so much to do the right thing and keep me safe, yet, without the resources to understand and support me, instead told me it would have been better for her if I had been born dead than gay.

I mourned for my Dad, who also loved me, but lacked the tools to deal with his gay son—and instead told me I should change, that I had bitterly failed him, and then withheld his love and companionship from me for the bulk of my life.

I mourned for my 16 year-old self, trapped inside a cycle of isolation and despair, with nowhere to turn. I mourned for the years I spent trapped inside self-loathing and depression, and I grieved the many subsequent bad decisions I made that exacerbated my pain and low self-esteem. And I wondered how my life would have been remarkably different if I, my parents, my teachers and my ecclesiastical leaders had access to research that demonstrated unequivocally how to keep LGBT youth safe.

But I also felt gratitude. More than anything, I was deeply grateful this kind of research was finally available—and for what this means not only for Mormons, but for the LGBTQ community as a whole: We don’t have to wonder how to keep our gay youth from killing themselves anymore. Our solution is here.

This is not marketing based on focus groups. It is not speculation. It is not opinion—even ecclesiastical opinion. This is science. For LGBTQ Mormons and their families, this is a lifeline of hope that has not existed before. Gone are the days where Mormon parents—many armed with good intentions but alarmingly little data—feel compelled to choose between their children and their faith. Family relationships are a cornerstone to our faith—and we’re taught that “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” David O. McKay. The Family Acceptance Project materials have eliminated the illusion of that horrible Sophie’s Choice.

As my LGBTQ fellow, I want you to share this information with your friends, your families, and your networks—independent of faith. This is an opportunity for us as well—to help the most vulnerable among us emerge healthier, happier, and grow up in an environment dramatically better than the one many of us experienced.

This is our chance to do for others that which we wish had been done for us.

Commentary from a straight ally marching in San Fancisco Pride

On Sunday, June 24, over 100 LGBT Mormons, their families, and allies marched in the San Francisco Pride Parade. A friend of mine from my home ward in Oakland shared this letter with me describing her experiences that day.

With her permission, I share it with you here. I think one of my favorite things is her closing--"Thank you, LGBT community, for making Mormons feel welcome among you. Let's see more of each other."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You can read more accounts of Mormons marching in San Francisco Pride here:

Religion Dispatches

Affirmation blog


The Bloggernacle "It's all about the hat"


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Today I marched as a member of Mormons for Marriage Equality in the SF Pride Parade.  I was a bit concerned about the reception from the LGBT community and the parade viewers would be.  To my delight, the crowds were warm and accepting of - and even enthusiastic about -  my group.  Some people looked delightedly surprised to see us.  After the parade, as I settled my aging body into my BART seat for the trip home, a lesbian mother sat down next to me with her son on her lap.  I apologized for not giving her son my seat because I was aching from marching.  Her partner, who was standing in the aisle, asked me what contingent I was with.   I said, “Mormons for Marriage Equality.”  She responded with, “That was the group I came to see” and gave me a thumbs up. Her comment made my day and my marching (and the aches and pains) worth my efforts.  Thank you, LGBT community, for making Mormons welcome among you.  Let’s see more of each other.

Pam Condie

Oakland

How I cultivated my realtionship with my Savior

I’ve talked frequently about the importance of developing your own understanding of and relationship with your Savior. It is a fundamental relationship that matters to each of us—and it is one that, for me, was not about church. It wasn’t about any specific religion at all. It was simply about building my own personal understanding of a Savior who would be with me anywhere at anytime—not just one who was accessible for a few hours on Sunday.

This relationship gives me humble confidence. It enables me to do things that I could never do alone. It gives me strength to walk through challenges and overcome obstacles that, through my mortal eyes, seem terrifying and insurmountable.

It gives me grace.

And I want you to have that, too. Too often we let others define our relationship with our Savior, but it is one we and we alone must cultivate, manage, and own.

In this Mormon Expression Podcast, for the first time, I share a deeply personal part of my spiritual practice and explain how I did it—and I hope it works for you. I know that for me, the best way to keep my spiritual gifts is to give them away.

And in that spirit, I give this one to you.

Enjoy. 

 http://mormonexpression.com/voices/2012/06/13/32-mitch-maynes-personal-faith/